I'm On A Stephen.Hunt, Pt.15 You Give What You Get

People usually say, "You get what you give." I believe it's the opposite.

Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash

What is trauma? It is the damage we've received from others without protection. I received hate growing up. I received dismissiveness, seclusion, invalidation, and so on. I can't say I gave all of those, but I can say I gave some.

Part of therapy is looking at how you interact with others. What do you give them? I had to come to terms with the hurt I was giving others, most notably my wife. As much as I hated my mom for the abuse she gave me, I had to acknowledge the abuse I was giving others.

I was given something growing up, and that's what I knew. I knew how to demean, I knew how to invalidate, I knew how to control. What's worse, I was told that is love, so that is how I "loved" her. She didn't deserve it.

It's a shitty feeling realizing you're guilty of the same hurt you've judged others for. I was not exempt, I needed to stop acting like I was. What was the solution?

Please refer back to Pt.13.

You give what you get. One of the biggest benefits of loving myself unconditionally was the fact that I immediately gave that love to others. You made a mistake? That's okay, you're doing your best. You're struggling right now? That's okay, you're going through a lot. You're upset? You have every reason to be upset.

I couldn't give anything to myself without then giving it to others. It just didn't feel right. If I deserve this unconditional love and consideration, others do too. There's no way I can just keep it to myself.

So I continued to give to myself and find the love I needed for myself. Then I gave it to others. And it turns out, people like it when you treat them lovingly. Who would have thought?