I'm On A Stephen.Hunt, Pt.16 The Body Keeps The Score

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is an interesting phenomenon.

Photo by Finn on Unsplash

In a nutshell, when bad things happen to you, your body remembers. In fact, trauma, by definition, is the damage that has occurred inside your body after an extremely distressing situation.

CPTSD is used to describe a disorder that develops from a complex situation. People are familiar with war veterans and PTSD. When a veteran experiences a specific event, like war, the sounds and images can be implanted in their brain. They then experience flashbacks and feelings associated with the event, even though they are no longer at war. The issue with CPTSD is that there is no single event that you can point at as the source of trauma. It results from a multitude of events, strung out over years.

My mom never told me I don't matter, she just heavily implied it with years of invalidation. My mom never told me I am never enough, she just made sure to never let me feel proud of myself. I was never told I was worthless, I just learned it over time. These were messages that were ingrained in me over years. So when I start feeling anxious after not finishing my work, I don't have a memory that tells me where that came from. When I am depressed, I do not have a source of sadness. Instead, I just have a bunch of symptoms.

I used to have major migraines. They started in high school. My head would hurt, I wouldn't be able to think, and I would often be nauseous. I also had uncontrollable anxiety. My back would tense up and worry would take over. It would make it hard to concentrate and to feel safe. Nightmares were there too. Dreams of struggling, being trapped, and feeling powerless. Lastly, I was depressed. I struggled getting out of bed and finding meaning in things. The only reason I ever did anything is because I needed to survive. I needed income, I needed to support myself and my wife.

However, with therapy, those symptoms slowly disappeared. Through a combination of everything I've said thus far, talking, and feeling, my symptoms gradually subsided.

There was another piece to all of this though. As I started to give to myself, I also made a habit of exploring my subconscious when I started feeling anxious, or when I woke up with a headache. There would be moments where something triggering would happen, and in the days that followed, I would inevitably get a migraine. Instead of just pushing through it, I made a point to try and figure out why I was triggered.

This involved sitting in the uncomfortableness and accepting I wouldn't be very productive. Sometimes the migraine would be debilitating and I would just end up taking a bath. What was interesting during these baths is that I would sit there, with my head pounding, and search my memories for sources of misery. What were messages I received growing up which are affecting me now?

As I searched, my body would react to certain thoughts and I could tell I was getting close. Eventually, I would hit memories that made me feel worse and I new I was there. While sitting there in the memory (or general message), I allowed myself to feel what child Stephen wanted to feel in those moments. *stop! i don't want to! stop yelling at me! i didn't do anything wrong!* As I did this, my body would start to shake uncontrollably.

I would be in this state of uncontrollable fear. I was half in the present pain, half in the past. As I allowed the memory to take over, I would try and fight the traumatizing message. Sitting there, head pounding, body shaking, crying, fighting, I would eventually hit a breaking point, vomit, and calm down. I then felt better. These moments, afterward, felt healing.

I bring this all up because for me it shows how this is truly a whole body experience. Mental health does not only affect our brains, it affects our bodies too. The damage occurs all over. For me, my whole body had to be a part of the healing process too.

You may not see the effect of things like emotional and psychological abuse, but they exist. Just because you don't have a physical bruise doesn't mean the damage isn't there.

We are all complex living organisms with many needs. Damage is damage, no matter how visible.

References:

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk